Kalaxion Invasion Guide EYES ONLY 

Encryption code AZ+3

REF (23/22) Division 66bd/Subsection Orientation Basic Primary Clause: Notable Figures / Legends


Humans and non-humans cease to exist in Broadcliffs on a frighteningly regular basis. Sometimes the bodies are found, sometimes bits of the bodies are found, sometimes bits of the bodies are found in different locations, but most of the time, they just simply disappear.

This, as you can imagine, causes a certain amount of distress to the nearest and dearest of the departed.

Humans have found a coping strategy, and they call it revenge. After early experiments with this concept, they discovered that doing it in groups often ended in much better results. Thus was born the angry mob. Over time these groups became better organised and labelled themselves to gain a certain, shall we say, authority.

Broadcliffs has several groups like this; the primary and less effective are known as the Police, their role seems to be that of self-preservation. After this group, there are the Secret Police, followed by the Clandestine Police, and the not so secret World Government Organisations.

In times of extreme peril, these are backed up by the military and their special forces.

On the top of the pile of these types of groups, we have the fanatical Council Workers and their elite strike force of the Park Keepers. All of which is, of course, too busy to help the local residents, i.e. the people they are paid to protect.

So, where does this leave the average denizen of Broadcliffs? Alone? Abandoned, destined to die a horrible death? Yes, probably, but they can rest in the knowledge that they shall be avenged due primarily to the Neighbourhood Watch. Believed to be the Militant wing of the Committee of Dubious Goals, the Broadcliffs neighbourhood watch sticks more closely to those age-old traditions of angry mobs, distributing swift and often blind justice.

Pitchforks and torches are optional, although preferred as a nod to its ancient traditions.

It is also worth noting that this noble organisation is riven with internal politics, as was clearly demonstrated on the Great Purge of 2013, which took place during the Greenfield Park Summer Village Fete. The ornamental paths of the old English gardens ran red with blood that day.

The altercation started over a debate on a judge’s impartiality in the Jams and preserves section of the annual Broadcliffs bake-off. Voices were raised in the judging pavilion, and harsh words were said. This very quickly escalated, and old tensions and rivalries rose to the surface.

The Girl Guides (with their terrifying and bizarre initiation rites) made short work of the 2nd, 4th, and 5th Broadcliffs Scout packs. It also saw the demise of the once fearsome Knitting and Crochet society in what turned out to be the mutual destruction of the Cat’s Protection League.

The subsequent loss of life, limbs, and subscription fees left the Rotary Club a shadow of this once fearsome organisation.

As the smoke cleared and the cries for mercy were silenced, one clear victor emerged triumphant on the battlefield. Armed only with a palette knife and a lemon zester, one Mrs Christine Cooper and her ragged band of psychopaths from the Women’s Institute arts and crafts division took the field that day.

Since then, she has ruled the organisation with cold, ruthless efficiency.