Kalaxion Invasion Guide EYES ONLY
Encryption code AZ+3
REF (23/22) Division 66bd/Subsection Orientation Basic Primary Clause: Artefacts
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The following information was extracted from the “internet”, something humans use to pleasure themselves.
The light on the front of your ‘Spook-O-Meter ZX1000TM’ indicates the levels of phantasmagorical activity in your area:
Green is serene. There is nothing to be seen-the surrounding levels of spookiness can be considered at a reasonable level.
Yellow is far from mellow – a supernatural event is occurring close to your proximity.
Red and you are dead* – the surrounding levels of negative ectoplasm are dangerously high. We advise the holder of this ‘Spook-O-Meter ZX1000TM’ to leave the aforementioned place with all due haste, forthwith, and pronto.
IMPORTANT: SHOULD THE LIGHT ON YOUR ‘Spook-O-Meter ZX1000TM’ EVER FLASH ON THE RED SETTING WE PROPOSE THE FOLLOWING COURSE OF ACTION: BEND OVER BACKWARDS, PULL YOUR KNICKERS DOWN, AND KISS YOUR BATTY GOODBYE.
*The makers of this product, Walrus Global Industries®, would like to point out that the word ‘dead’ in this sense does not mean dead, as in passed on, pushing up the daisies, or sleeping with the fishes but more in the metaphorical sense, as in exceptionally dangerous, certainly hazardous, probably fatal. Walrus Global Industries® will not be held responsible for the loss of limbs, life, or sanity during this device’s use. Patent Walrus Global Industries® 2002.